As I dropped everything at work and raced to my son’s school, I was thinking…was this bullying, was this intentional…my god, how can kids be so uncaring.  Moments before I had received a phone call that my son was in the school yard and that some candy bar was being waved around his head that had nuts in it.    Having an allergy to peanuts and tree nuts, he began to feel short of breath and was taken to the office for observation.

As I was driving, I was thinking that it was impossible to have a reaction from a candy bar being near his head, but was more disturbed by the fact that this could have been an intentional and malicious act.   My anxiety level was quit high and as I found out when I arrived, so was my son’s anxiety. 

I walked into the office and noticed his appearance was fine.  He was thrilled to see me and a sense of relief came over his face.  I too had a huge sense of relief after a short but strong hug.  After understanding that this was not an act of bullying but kids just being kids playing around in the school yard, I lowered my level of anxiety even further.    My son continued to explain that he had a shortness of breath only when another student said “there may be nuts in that candy”.  What he had experienced was a panic attack, not an anaphylactic attack.    For young children it is hard to understand the difference and I’m glad he was given the necessary attention, just-in-case…

After telling my son he was fine and explaining what had happened he was off back to his class to finish out the day.  His anxiety was gone, but mine had begun again for a completely different reason.  I saw in myself the ability I have to influence my children’s anxiety so easily with a just a few words.  Telling him he was fine was all he needed.  This experience made me think of all the times I project anxiety around food allergies and how that must be contributing to his emotional toolkit.  I am at my worst with anxiety when dining out anywhere or when dealing with schools and their lack of understanding for the allergic family’s expectations (I’ll deal with schools another day).  For any waiter or waitress that I have had in the past 4 years, I do apologize.  I don’t mean to be belligerent or nasty, I just want my children to be safe and enjoy a meal out.  The question I ask inside is; “are they enjoying watching their dad stress out each time they dine out”?  My guess is no.  Kids see everything and absorb everything.  What you do today WILL impact their tomorrow.

As adults, we must realize we too have to continue to learn and evolve.  Launching http://www.allerdine.com has given me the ability to share the knowledge and ask others to share their positive and not-so-positive dining experiences.  The site is free to the allergy community because we are the ones that are populating it with information.    Creating AllerDine.com was easy compared to what I need to do next.  What is tougher is controlling my anxiety when dealing with my children’s allergies.  As we approach the New Year, my 2010 resolution will be to reduce my level of anxiety and “readiness to pounce” with all aspects of my children’s allergies.  Here is what I plan to do and can only hope that these suggestions are helpful to others as well.

1.       When dining out, speak to the waiter, manager or chef far away from the table so your children cannot see or hear your discussion – say you need go to the bathroom or something to get away from the family.

2.       Keep your level of concern high but your level of anxiety low.  People are more receptive when pleasant.  Anger doesn’t make them try harder – it may actually make them less focused on your very specific needs.

3.       In front of your children, compliment and thank your server, manager, chef

4.       Call ahead to restaurants if you need more information prior to going there

5.       If there is a problem, first ensure your child is safe, remove the unsafe food and then talk to the manager away from the table.

6.       In order to manage your anxiety, go to restaurants during non-peak times when there is less pressure for the restaurant and they can be more receptive to your needs.

7.       Leave a big tip! 20% or more is my norm, just because I am so thankful for their understanding and care.

I make no guarantees that this will work, but I need to try, not just for my blood pressure, but more for the wellness of my children.  Our children will be less anxious, hopefully enough that one day the words “You’re fine” and a hug will help heal a skinned knee or bruised toe and anxiety around food allergies will be a thing of the past.

Stever@AllerDine.com